Thursday, December 17, 2009

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

I know it's pretty late to be sending you a letter, and I've been kind of a prick this year, but this is a very special request. On Christmas Eve, when you're making your rounds, it would mean oh so much to me if you could please find it in your heart to run Glen Sather over with your sled.

Please do us all a favor in Rangerland, or as you may refer to it, the Island of Misfit Toys, and make sure you backup over him a few times as well. Make sure he's good and dead. Well, maybe "dead" is a bit harsh of a word, what with it being the Christmas season and all.
Let's make it easier for you, just make sure he's in a vegetative state and will be deemed unfit to continue as general manager of the New York Rangers. I'll even act really surprised and excited when I hear about it on the news Christmas morning!

I haven't been doing so well lately, Santa. Let me tell you why. You see, the Rangers and I have fallen out of love. Yes, the team I used to cherish with all my heart that's three sizes too small, has gone from perennial Stanley Cup contender to a mediocre collection of overpaid underproducers. I hate them. Of course I still love them deep down, but I'm ashamed of it, Santa. I'm ashamed! I tell my friends that I like the Blackhawks, because it's easy to make fun of a Rangers fan these days. And I hate getting picked on!

Mr. Sather is solely to blame for this transformation. He took a good team and made them unwatchable. He signed players like Wade Redden, Michael Rozsival and Chris Drury to long-term contracts that have killed his ability to surround them with a good supporting cast, sort of like Jonathan Taylor Thomas in I'll Be Home for Christmas.

I have a feeling that maybe without Mr. Sather in charge of things, in a year or two my Rangers can return to the form that made me fall in love with them after the lockout. I'm not going to get picky and ask you to let them win the Stanley Cup. I mean, if I was that desperate I would've went straight to Hell and just made a deal with the Devil. I just want them to be fun to watch again.

I'm sure you're a big hockey fan. It's pretty cold in the North Pole. Don't you see what he's done to this team? Don't give me that line about the Oilers in the '80s. He had Gretzky! And Messier!

Wait a minute, that reminds me. He's got Messier now too! Santa, if you take him out, the Captain will be back in charge! He'll never fail us!

If you can't come through on my one only wish this year, then at the very least could you please put me in touch with Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge? Maybe I'll try and scare Glen with the ol' Ghost of Rangers Future routine to get him to change his ways.

Also, could you please, for his sake, certainly not mine, bring John Tortorella a pacemaker this year? I don't think he asked for one, but he's going to need one pretty soon.

Thanks a lot Santa, I know it's last minute, but you've never let me down before. I'm sure you'll make this year the best Christmas ever!



P.S. - Merry Christmas!

P.P.S. - Um, Brashear may have eaten your cookies. Sorry about that.

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